Thanks to a wonderful new job in the city I am now experiencing the joys of the train commute. Morning and evening I join thousands of people on England's glorious railways. And I may have only been doing this for a few weeks, but I have already learnt a lot about the Great British Commute. Through silent observation, I have compiled a list of the people who are not well-liked on the journeys to and from work.
1. The Snuggler
In case you had not noticed, personal space is quite important to the British commuter. Even on a packed out train. Large amounts of stretching or falling asleep on your neighbour's shoulder may result in a lot of tutting and your neighbour trying to climb out of the window of a moving train. Please stick to the vicinity of your own seat.
2. The Snorer
Just don't do it, okay. Commuting is bad enough without having to deal with your nasal problems.
3. The Conversationalist
Look around you. Do you see anyone else trying to strike up a conversation? The only reason that the British commute does not end with severe bouts of mutilation is purely because everyone zones out and pretends that no one else exists.
4. The Broadsheet Reader
If the person sat beside you had wanted to read a newspaper they would have bought their own rather than sharing your copy of The Telegraph. A normal-sized publication would suffice.
5. The One-off Traveller
It's 7am. Please show less enthusiasm.
6. The Technological Hazard
So you have an ipod, two phones and an array of other fancy devices? Wonderful. You do know that they all have silent modes? The noise of your Candy Crush saga is interrupting my nap.
7. The Sickly Patient
I spent a whole week dishing out disgusted looks to people who were coughing, sneezing and sniffling all around the carriage. Unfortunately, the next week I was the one on the receiving end of such looks. Coughing fits are apparently not tolerated on trains. Next time I will try to show more sympathy.
8. Children
Screaming, whining, abundant energy and an unnatural devotion to Peppa Pig. Just no.
9. The Refreshment Man
Ideally, Mr Refreshments, I would like to be in the warmth of my own home. But if all you can offer my from your trolley of not-so-delightful delights is lukewarm tea and a packet of Quavers then I think I'll pass. Unless you have a bottle of gin hiding in there somewhere.
10. The Seat Thief
This is the most dangerous person to be. If you see that someone has spotted a vacant seat and is headed towards it DO NOT try to get to it before them. If you plant your bum in their seat you will more than likely end up unconscious.
There you have it. That is pretty much what my mornings and evenings now consist of. Just make sure that you don't fall into any of the above categories and you should survive any commute.
